Kenny Rogers puts one in the popcorn machine
You’re all like, “when are you going to post a video about Kenny Rogers scoring on Michael Jordan” and I’m all like, “right now.”
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Hansbrough readying self for NBA pro game
Despite comparable workout numbers to his peers, Tyler Hansbrough continues to fight a perception that he doesn’t have what it takes to make it in the NBA. As a result, Hansbrough’s agent has set up a number of unique workouts in an effort to make a late push for this week’s 2009 NBA Draft.
“I have already proven that I can run and jump with the best, not to mention win on the big stage” said the ex-Tar Heel. “Now I simply need to show I have the other intangibles that NBA GM’s have come to expect from all-star NBA players.”
The workouts are unique in that they take place off the basketball court. Drills include driving under the influence, domestic abuse, weapon concealment, and “being an asshole”.
“I’ve had to prove myself all my life, this will be no different”.
Hansbrough has already held private workouts with a number of teams, though this workout will be available to all interested NBA GM’s. The workouts have even become an interest to other sports. Reports indicate that the Cincinnatti Bengals and Dallas Cowboys have serious interest about Hansbrough’s ability to play hybrid WR/TE or be a dedicated special teamer.
“We already know he’s a great athlete and a proven winner. But we heard that in his private workout with Charlotte, he told Larry Brown he could go fuck himself” said a source within the Bengals front office. “You can’t teach that!”
“I’m a real student of the game” said the 2008 Player of the Year. “I think my game is a mixture of Chris Anderson’s hustle, Karl Malone’s finishing ability, and the big-man ball-handling of Derrick Coleman and I just want the chance to prove that I can be like those guys”.
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My prayers have been answered. Here's a song about Manute Bol.
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Further proof that Canadians are barely funnier than the French
Related: Steve Nash
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Top 10 NBA player commercials
10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird shoot hoops for a Big Mac.
There’s three things that I remember from my childhood: The time when I thought (because of Jim Ross’s convincing call) that Zeus actually broke Hulk Hogan’s neck, when I did a Bell Biv Devoe airband for my grade 5 class, and this commercial.
9. Spike Lee and Jordan
Not only has Spike Lee taught us, through film, that all races and genders hate one another, he has been a leader in teaching children that they can’t be shit without buying ridiculously priced footwear.
8. Grant Hill and McNuggets
Back when the WNBA was getting major pub Grant Hill was a pioneer, as seen in this video, of intimating that the league was garbage.
7. Headliners
This is a Top Ten because, well, you’ll know em when you see em. John Amaechi considers this a viable alternative to children actually playing basketball.
Headliners
6. NBA ACTION
If you remember this ad, you’re too old for the internet and should take your grandkids to the mall. Faaaaaantastic!
5. Lil Penny
Chris Rock created one of the most quotable commercial characters of its time. “That’s Tyra Banks, foo!” was the 90’s version of “I’m Rick James, bitch!”. And Penny was the 90’s version of Dwayne Wade before he ultimately spends his career toiling on the bench because of knee injuries.
3. Scotch N Sirloin
It’s always high comedy when a local business ropes some athlete (or in this case, the entire, future-hall-of-fame Celtics roster) into doing a commercial. Extra funny points for obviously being done in one take. It’s gotta be the salad bar!
2. Grandmama
Come on. It’s Larry Johnson dressed as an elderly woman.
1. “The Weapon”
This ad has Kevin McHale rapping, Mark Aguire hitting puberty, and a Larry Bird that looks exactly like Sean Penn as David Kleinfeld from Carlito’s Way.
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I rish we had some outside game...
Jesus Shuttleworth, the seven time all star was dealt to Boston yesterday which will give the Celtics a solid outside game and acting you wanna pee on. Shuttleworth, who is known as one of the league’s deadliest shooting guards, can execute from any spot on the floor, which will probably give Paul Pierce someone to hang out with besides midgets…
FreeDarko: LL Cool Ray.
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ESPN: short for buzzkill
ESPN’s Ric Bucher is reporting that the Portland Trail Blazers have decided on Greg Oden, and will make him the #1 overall selection in the NBA Draft. (Link)
Thanks, you fuckin’ dickhead.
ESPN has made it its’ business of late to ruin draft surprises for all of us. From Chris Berman announcing NFL draft picks right before the commish has a chance to, to this.
I was actually looking forward to watching this all unfold. I’m sure we all could have guessed the outcome with a fair amount of uncertainty, but I don’t want to be told beforehand.
It’s like the times that my parents told me I’d always be a failure.
The NBA Draft has been the most exciting thing in the NBA all season. We actually have had legitimate debate about who should go #1 or #2, and all the suspense is ruined.
If someone was going to ruin the end of a TV show, they have the decency to drop a spoiler alert for you.
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Billy Donovan has intimacy issues
New ESPN Analyst Joyce Brothers has concluded that Billy Donovan’s waffling over which head coaching job to take is the product of several deep-rooted psychological issues.
Donovan grew up in a house with an overbearing father that he couldn’t please and a mother too busy to be attentive towards him.
As a result, Donovan developed severe intimacy issues stemming from the relationship with his mother, and an inordinate – if not unhealthy – work ethic stemming from the relationship with his father.
“This manifested itself in strings of unfulfilling relationships starting in his teenage years” said Brothers, “alongside his professional and scholarly success”.
“We now see a man who has a phobia of commitment and an intense need for approval and validation. Mr. Donovan flirts with other coaching opportunities in order to get his current employer, colleagues and fan base to express their gratitude towards him.”
Brothers says that this is not uncommon and can be dealt with by simply learning to communicate more clearly, understanding and appreciating ones self, and heavy doses of Teamocil and Zoloft.
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